After years of enduring this upper back pain, there is finally a glimmer of hope. I had an x-ray in Taiwan where the doctor ordered for cervical traction, but I went to see Dr. Anota in Perpetual Succour Hospital and her initial diagnosis is muscle spasm, and did not recommend for cervical traction right away. So I’m trying out my first week of physical therapy with two great therapists, Chai and Gerard. Both are really professional and gentle with me and I greatly appreciate it because I truly am in pain. I like that Gerard is very confident that I will get better. I was starting to suspect there was something wrong with my heart, due to the difficulty of breathing this has caused me. I already had two sessions so far, and I don’t feel better yet but my muscles are sore from the massage and stretching, but I do feel good about this because it seems like I really will get better in time.
Then my new dentist, whom I really like, tells me I need braces for my lower teeth. Because I already have TMJ and it’s causing my migraines. Which makes sense because I only have migraines on the right side of my head, and the TMJ happens to be on the right side so there are a lot of pinched nerves. So maybe I will get it done, too.
This year proves to be challenging financially but then again, it is for my health and I will try to negotiate with her the modes of payment if I decide to go through with it. I am concerned I will look silly with the braces at this age, but when I think of migraine-free days, I don’t really care about looking silly anymore.
So far, I really like the two female doctors that I’ve been seeing. They give me hope, I seem to have found the right people for my illnesses. Couldn’t be happier about that.
I think the time between late 20’s and early 30’s is a crucial phase. This is the time when you finally understand and accept what kind of life you want, no longer as we consumed by unrealistic dreams and we actually can start pursuing ones that we want to continue doing for a long time simply because we enjoy doing it.
It is the time for break ups and make ups, because it’s now or never. The biological clock is ticking, especially for women. Too many people have too many opinions about so many things that we end up questioning what others question and make drastic decisions of getting out before it’s too late, or permanently stick to the situation just because we need to be age-appropriate. But hell, I’m far from being age-appropriate. I don’t even believe in dressing or acting our age, what kind of bull shit is that? It’s true, we should probably stop playing with people’s feelings. That would be age-appropriate. We should probably drink more, that would be age-appropriate, too. We should probably put our Chucks away, what? NO. Hell no.
Sometimes I really wish I could just give people the finger for being so nosy and uptight. Of course, I can’t just do that. Let me just leave you a quote to end this then.
“The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits.”
I just got off the phone with a dear friend, I just found out her girlfriend of 5 years has broken up with her via the internet, and cut off their communication so abruptly and just left her bleeding like that. I think it’s safe to say the girlfriend cheated on my friend prior to breaking up with her. Of course, we are human beings, we are selfish we want to take care of our security and needs first. So by the time my friend got dumped, days later there were already prenuptial pictures on Facebook, the girlfriend was marrying the guy after merely two months of dating. That couldn’t have happened over night! The guy turns out to be the girlfriend’s step brother. Isn’t that lovely? Father and son, mother and daughter. Okay maybe I am taking sides, of course I am! I’ve known B since high school and even though we don’t talk often she is one of the few people I consider to be a real friend. I feel sorry for her, that the blow had to be so big and from out of nowhere it seems. She couldn’t have anticipated it, because the whole time they were apart they were consistently in touch and sweet and all that. But I guess that’s it, words are just words, words are cheap. How many times have we been let down because of stupid words? I have many personal stories of my own, because I hold on to words too dearly when I shouldn’t. But I cannot help it, I figure I shouldn’t change how I am just because people are fucked up. I should just meet someone who can stay true to their words. That’s rare.
Love is an act, it’s not a feeling, it’s not something you say, but it’s something you act out and it’s in the things we do everyday that we can prove its existence. It’s not enough to just say “I love you”, we have to act it out.
It makes me realize how precious love is when we have it.
And I could feel my heart turning black, consumed by anger. Funny how you have the power to do it to me, still. But all I’m angry at is the fact that you are so pretentious and I’m sick and tired of your ways. They can have your cheating ass. I’m done with you, it’s time for other people to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I’m better off without you. It’s official.
Misery loves company, so if anyone is miserable out there please call me today.
I hate to say this, but this feeling is all too familiar to me. It’s sad that it shall become nothing new to a person. I’m not shocked, I want to say I’m happy for you. But I’m upset that you pretended to be upset when the truth is you’re so happy. I think that’s what’s upsetting me right now. You put on quite a show though.
Oh, you haven’t learned. You haven’t learned at all, Letty.
It’s happiness in a cup. It’s so good, this drink. Caramel macchiato. Yum. Haven’t had this in a while now, I’ve forgotten how good it tastes. It gives me moments of happiness. I recall reading an article about what happy people know, that happy people more than anyone else know that happiness is a fleeting feeling, that it’s temporary and decided on. It is not a grand thing that falls on our laps one day. Don’t we all know this in theory? But I’m proud to say, I know happiness well, because I know misery just as well. That has to be something I should be proud of. In my almost 30 years of existence I’m finally seeing that happiness can be attained on a daily basis, not all the time but moments of it, like when I’m licking the caramel & foam combination off my stirrer? That is a moment of happiness for me, it’s even more pleasant than the drink itself sometimes. It is kind of silly to chase after it expecting it to come in a box wrapped in fancy paper. Unless it’s an iPhone 8 with a red ribbon, that would definitely be a moment of happiness.
Happiness could be this moment, and what you decide to think or do with it.
As it turns out, I haven’t been writing for a while now. I want to, and every time I have ideas in my head I am too lazy to write them down thinking I would remember them the next time I want to write. Of course I’m always wrong. Laziness is always a wrong route, it makes us lose ideas and sometimes opportunities. I am working on it, though. At the back of my head I know I’ve lost some really great ideas but no one else can be blamed for it but me. But it’s time to move on. I will have other things to write about I will jot them down right away the moment it pops into my mind.
As it turns out, there is nothing interesting in my life to write about, even. Have I grown weary to the point of being comfortable with ordinary? My life is far from ordinary, though. I am struggling on a daily basis just like any other person. So my life is ordinary in that context. I’m not that special, I’m not spared of the challenges that come in different forms for everyone. That’s a relief, actually. I was starting to think the universe is out to get me. And I will not comfort myself by saying someone else has it worse than I do, that is out right insulting and arrogant. Today one of my clients liked the eyebrows that I did on her, and she had to get permission from her husband to have them done permanently. And the husband’s caucasian friend was joking about how she was asking for approval, showing him means she needed the money and then they all laughed out loud, including my client who was fake laughing for sure. I want to say that I really didn’t enjoy that. I fake laughed along with her but was not pleased that a woman’s self worth had to be sought from another person and in that way. This is why I encourage women to have jobs and their own sources of income, because at some point our expenses that have to do with our self worth will be questioned and that has to be one of the frustrating moments in life. She said she would call me, I think she needed to talk to the husband first. Oh well.
Then at work I am also somewhat struggling with the transition phase that we are going through, because I want to take on a different direction and it is quite different from the way we have been operating in the last 26 years, so it is a big risk and I am going to be responsible for it if anything goes wrong. I don’t know if my proposal is right, but I got the approval and am now questioning my own decisions. What if I screw up? I think I haven’t admitted this to anyone but I am scared deep inside, maybe I’m incapable that’s why I want to have it easier. But I really want to make a change, make it my way. I am thankful for the trust that management has bestowed upon me but I am also scared of making the wrong decision and dealing with the possible consequences. I am going through a big transition phase at work and I am guiding all the people who want to come along with me. Maybe I should ask Luke for his opinion on the matter. And ask him I did, will now wait for his response.